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We’ve all gone Ga Ga

I’ve just come back off my holiday.

A cruise since you asked so nicely. And yes my boyfriend and I pretty much got shitfaced with pensioners for a week. We also ate about twenty five meals a day.

Gluttony, booze and grannies. Paradise. Now I’ve never been to heaven but I assume it will run a buffet every half hour.

In the airport upon my return I was bombarded with pictures of  an apparently chubby Lady Gaga. The same picture of a leather clad Gaga, were all over  the likes of Closer, Heat, Now, Star…those celebrity mags that are generally described as ‘for the ladies’. Yes, this is a magazine but it’s a ‘lady magazine’. Much in the way white wine is a wine but is widely considered *whispers* ‘for the ladies’.

Which is funny because both white wine and Closer are bad for your health.

So yes, apparently Lady Gaga is now fat. Yes FAT and we are all outraged. This is a woman who frequently cellotapes appliances to her head, wears dead animals as frocks and cigarettes as sunglasses, who also lezzes it off in almost every video (with really hot women, well done Gaga) and no one really bothers to get in a flap about it. But she puts on weight and….THE INTERNET EXPLODES. Feathers everywhere!

This is presumably because she is a pop star, arguably the biggest pop in the world. And pop stars are not allowed to be plump. Celebrities have to be thinner (but not too thin) and more beautiful than us (but without the aid of plastic surgery). So many rules. It’s like having to live by a list of swimming pool restrictions but where everybody stays in the shallow end and heavy petting is mandatary.

See we appear to want our female stars to be fabulous BUT we also want to see close ups of their wobbly cellulite and acne scars. What a peculiar paradox and we as a nation are obsessed by it.

Side boobs! When did side boob become a THING! Frankly I think Miley Cyrus’s side boob and Emma Watson’s side boob should get together and sue  the Daily Mail website’s ‘Femail’ section for sexual harassment. Side boob and the phrase ‘toe cleavage’ should be filed next to Narnia in the NOT AN ACTUAL REAL THING section of  your brain.

I am fascinated by the ‘Femail’ website. I am fascinated by it in a purely WHY IS THIS HAPPENING, sort of a way.

The same way I felt coming back from holiday sitting in front of a screaming toddler on the airplane. It was delayed on the runaway for over an hour and I spent the whole time thinking I am helpless. I can but only watch what is happening to me and all the other passengers and hope at some point it stops.

That’s how I feel about the ‘Femail’ website and all the other media bullshit that surrounds the female form. Oh hang on, I just got it…’Femail’. As in female? See what they did there? Sounds like it could be something empowering. It isn’t. It’s a website that reduces all of us to bitchy women in a staffroom.

With articles entitled ‘Confident new mother Jessica Simpson puts her legs on display in playsuit as she continues to shed her baby weight’ . The tone of this entire article along with a wholly unflattering picture suggests they should have headlined it ‘New mother Jessica Simpson is confident enough to wear a playsuit now but should she be? I mean really? Really?’.

Or ‘Girls star Lena Dunham flashes an eyeful of thigh as she walks red carpet in a blouse (and not much else).’  Same thing, the way the article is written it’s pretty much saying ‘Girls star lena Dunham flashes an eyeful of thigh. How dare she? She’s knows she’s not thin, right?’ 

They are punishing her for daring to wear a pair of shorts just because she’s a size 14 which btw, they describe as ‘voluptuous’. Fuck off! Fuck the fuck off Daily Mail! You are already the ill mannered granny of the newspaper world. The one other family members are too embarrassed to introduce to their new partners. Even pervy Uncle ‘The Sun’, doesn’t want to sit next to you at Christenings.

Lena Dunham (for those of you that arn’t familiar with her) is a 23 yr old woman who has written, starred in and directed the multi Emmy award nominated HBO television series ‘Girls’. TWENTY THREE.  It’s the paradox again. Yes okay so it’s great how this woman is young, super talented and funny AND smart…BUT! She looks shit in a pair of shorts! Yes! She has a kryptonite! AND you can buy it from a Next catalogue!

Bloody hell I’m 27 and I’m currently typing this still sat in bed wearing my pyjamas at 3pm because I can’t be bothered to have a shower yet. That and my cat is being cute. (I am convinced my cat is the main distraction in my quest for a Pulitzer prize).

I do believe this website and these magazines turn all us ladies into THAT girl mate. The one that says “Honestly, you look lovely.” But secretly hopes you fall in those heels she can’t afford to buy. Who tells you that she really has put just a sweetener in your coffee but has actually put in three sugars. They bring out the ugly in us by making us feel ugly about ourselves.

Of course I can just not click on the website and I can just not buy the magazines. I don’t, but that’s not the point. A million other women do and, of course that is entirely their choice.

I’ve been argued with that these celeb mags are just our Nanas harmless version of a gossip next to the washing line. My Gran may have had a quick chat about Mavis at No.24’s new fancy man but these were the days before social networking and the pill. Where woman were constantly pregnant and were too focused on running their enormous households then bothered about whether Greta Garbo has droopy boobs. No time for self absorption.

Not that i want us ladies to go return to that sort of life, God no, but I find it strange that with the evolution of woman in the workplace and society came with it a progressive visual exploitation of woman. As if all the men got together in a Wetherspoons and went ‘Lads, lads it’s okay. They’ve got the same jobs as us now but if we disagree with something they have to say we can just point and go…look oooeerr TITS!

Don’t misunderstand me. I’m not having a go at men I’m having a go at EVERYONE!

All of these things, Pg3 girls, The Daily Sport, Nuts, Closer, Heat magazine, the ones aimed at the men and the ones aimed at the women. They all exploit the female body. When I think about it, it’s probably the most looked on and lusted over image in Britain, actually probably in the world.

Lusted after by men who want that body and lusted over by women who want to have that body.

Female celebrities these days have to pay a fame fare. Like a good looking version of the M6 toll. You want to get to an Oscar nomination? Sorry we don’t take card, you will have to pay in pictures of how tiny your ass has got and how hollow your face is since your husband left you for a younger woman. No, no. We don’t want three pound seventy at this toll, we want a pound of flesh.

Perhaps it’s since the rise of the reality TV star that things have changed. Jordan, Chantelle, the Kardashians, all of that lot off Towie. These are women whose entire careers are based solely upon their fluctuating  relationships and weight. They have nothing to contribute or offer to the world apart from their very selves. Putting themselves out there to be judged solely on just their appearances and life choices forces all the other women in the limelight into that same motorway queue.

But then women will always be judged far harsher than men. We are the mothers, the nurturers. We should know better and if we don’t everyone on internet forums will lose their shit.

The problem with all these diffent media outlets, your Zoos, your Heats is this, they seperate us. They Segregate us. They judge as and define us as just men and just women.  We need to be defined as just people. That’s what we all are. A bunch of mixed up misfits in a mutating world.

Which is why I love Lady Gaga. LOVE.

She is all inclusive. Her message is everybody is the same but everybody is a mutant.

So I couldn’t give a Taylor Swift’s sidetit whether she’s put on a few pounds or not and why should I? Why should I care about the circumference of her thighs? Or of any womans thighs?

If my Nan could get through her day without Kim Kardashian’s backside I think I can live without it too.

I think it’s about time all of us, women and men got fed up and stopped buying, reading and clicking on all this guff.

It’s about time we all got fed up, got all Harrison Ford in Air Force One and screamed at the top of our voices “GET OFF MY PLANE!”

Just an idea like…

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