Happy Ever Avenue

Once upon a time there was a Cul-De-Sac. A very secret but actually rather reasonably priced Cul-De-Sac.

It’s not easy to find. You need to get on the ring road going clockwise near the Forgotten Forest. Next it’s onto the Cinderella dual carriageway and when you get to the mini roundabout you need to head towards signs for Camelot (not the one off the M6). At the second set of traffic lights, you should take a right turn onto the Yellow Brick Road. Now follow that. Then just after the speed camera take a very sharp left.

Mind the vines on your windscreen now.

Ah, there she is. A pretty little land of pretty little houses. You might not notice the sign at first because most of it’s golden letters are hidden by weeds but I’ll read it for you. ‘Welcome to Happy Ever Avenue’.

The title and setting for ITV 9’s very popular reality television programme. Where we catch up with some of our favourite couples from the silver screen.

What happens after the credits role? Did Jonny and Baby keep Dirty Dancing? Can there be a happy ending for an ex-Hooker with incredible molars and a bitchin pant suit? And just what does a Disney princess put on her Weetabix?


Now sadly we had to say a fond farewell to one of our couples Mr and Mrs. Darcy, at the end of the last series. In the spectacular finale episode, Mr.Darcy was beaten to death by his wife, Elizabeth with a Victorian fan.

It seemed that after they were married the obvious sexual tension that had been simmering between the pair for months had been, in actual fact genuine dislike all along. Culminating in that now fatal row in which Darcy suggested to his wife that feathers and a fan might be a bit much to wear to their local Bella Italia.

Very sad indeed. But the show must go on! Replacing The Darcys are our newest (and already very popular) addictions to the Avenue, Mr and Mrs.Solo!

After being forced from their last house (just off galaxy way) by debt collectors. Han and Leia were offered the modest house at a heavily discounted rate considering the demise of the previous occupier.

Han and Leia and their twin children are like any other family.  They have a family dog, Chewbacca or Chewy for short. The huge pet even has his own granny flat above the garage. (The way to tell a dog is definitely loved is by the size of his en suite.)

Neighbour and show regular, Ariel (ex-mermaid and swimwear model *WINKS*) thought it strange how in depth the conversations were between Han Solo and his gigantic man’s best friend but then who was she to judge? She’d often indulge in lengthy ‘Game Of Thrones’ marathons with her many goldfish.

Wife Leia ( fast becoming the heroine of this season) is still very much in love with Han but is frustrated by him also. After destruction of the major political and financial superpower ‘The Empire’, there was an intergalactic recession.  Leia, a former Princess and Han a former criminal turned rebel fighter dont have a GCSE to rub between them.

Possibly a D in General Studies.

The pair, lacking in basic numeracy  or IT skills were unable to obtain any gainful employment.

Soon the twins were born and Leia begged her rich estranged brother, Luke to give Han a job in one of his factories. Depressed by the Han-d out (geddit!), Han regularly spends his wages gambling on space races and boozing in bars. Telling anybody who would listen about “the good old days” until the faithful Chewbacca carries him home.

The latest episode ended with Leia putting her drunken husband to bed. With Han slurring loudly “BUT…I disguised myself as a stormtrooper!”  Of course you did Leia whispered softly. Of course you did, Dear.

Next door to the Solos live the much loved, Jonny Castle and his wife, local G.P, Frances ‘Baby’ Castle.

What started out as a Summer Holiday camp romance has evolved into a twenty-five year marriage. Not that it has been without it’s problems. The drastic age difference (when they first met she was sixteen and he was forty…odd) that never used to bother Frances had suddenly become startling apparent. Never more so then when they both went to watch Skyfall and Jonny obtained an OAP price reduction. In ‘groovy’ celebration he highfived the cashiers and attempted to do a tango with an usher. The deep rooted truth of it all is that she is embarrassed by him.

Embarrassed by the fake tan and the plunging necklines on her pensioner husband.

To be fair he still looks cracking. Why else does his Zumba class at the local parish centre have a year long waiting list? Not to mention the bags of fanmail and the amount of followers he has on Twitter. Yet Frances had grown tired of him. Tired of the constant requests to perform. If she was forced to do ‘the lift’ with her husband one more time at a family do she was going to lose her shit and do her own interpretation of the lift with the buffet table.

She would often find him at parties holding court surrounded by attractive young women. It takes all her willpower at such times to not scream up (she’s rather short) at their shiny young translucent faces…HE IS NOTHING MORE THAN A JUMPED UP BUTLINS REDCOAT!

At first it had all been so very exciting. The three of them. Her, Jonny and best pal Penny dancing around the world. well Jonny and Penny really. She’d hold the towels, but the three of them sharing a glorious, carefree bohemian relationship. That was until Penny left them both to marry a cruise ship diector called Dennis. (They are still regulars on the P&O circuit and are in negotiations to guest star in the next season).

Both heartbroken, Jonny and Frances married each other as concession prizes and vowed never to talk about Penny ever again. Not that they have been unhappy together. Far from that. Frances actually does love her husband just not in THAT way. Not in the way she loves her new next door neighbour, Leia Solo.

Oh Baby would be quite happy in a corner with that fittie.

Frances is often caught on camera standing in her greenhouse stealing glimpses across the decking of the bun wearing beauty in the next garden. All the while pretending she is there to tend to her famous award winning watermelons.

The house opposite the Castles, in fact  the only house on the Avenue with a swimming pool is the Avenue’s most glamourous pair, Ariel and Eric. Ariel (ex mermaid and swimwear model *WINKS*) is the incredibly successful designer of her own award winning organic underwear. Her latest collection sold out in minutes. Women queued around the block of their local Bhs stores for a peek at the designs which use all ocean made materials for the Gal who wants to be climate conscious yet…fashion conscious! Her crab bra and briefs sets are a particular best seller.

Meanwhile husband Eric has also gone into the underwear business…of sorts. He and fellow Princes Phillip, Charming and ‘the Beast’ have released their own very successful calendar. Outselling Cliff Richard’s record breaking efforts.

The calendar shows the chaps doing daily chores around the house completely nude apart from the various enchanted objects covering their modesty. It is now being produced as a live strip show which will be touring Arts Centres around the North-West in the near future. (Stay tuned for ITV14’s new spin off reality show Eric: ‘The Royal Treatment’.)

Our only vampires in the show Bella and Edward Cullen reside just two doors up. This incredibly good looking pair have an eye for the unique. The interior of the house is the epitome of New York Chic and littered with all the most up to date gadgets and gizmos. With thousands of  Tumblr pages devoted to the couple and an enormous Emo fan base , you would think Edward and Bella would be extremely popular with their fellow neighbours. They were. At first.

In Series one they threw stylish and regularly attended dinner parties for the Avenue residents but slowly there came the excuses. Parents evenings and pottery classes. Heartbroken sisters and sudden hospital emergencies until the Cullens stopped bothering with invites at all.

It wasn’t that the others HATED the Cullens, it was just that they had begun to realise how incredibly dull those handsome couple of whinge bags really were.

Even if the Pinot Noir has reached it’s forty year peak, Jonny Castle mused one evening (during a Vox Pops to camera), nothing is worth listening to the Cullens maudlinly banging on about each other, TO each other for hours.  Staring into each others hollow eyes. Pale bony hands entwined. The other couples awkwardly shifting in their uncomfortable but gallery giftshop bought seats. It was enough to put you off your risotto.

Even the usually lovely Leia couldn’t help but pass comment on the Cullens to Vivian (from No.11) at the series wrap party. To her, they did not look like the great romance that warranted the tears of a million teenage girls. They looked like a pair of Victorian orphans dying of consumption. Vivian nodded “It it probably a good thing they are immortal” She replied in between drags of her vogue Cigarette. “Because otherwise one day they would both probably die of boredom.”

Ah Vivian. Vivian is the heart of the show.

Vivian lives in the biggest house on Happy Ever Avenue. She and her partner (also an Edward) have been together and living on the Cul-de-sac fifteen years yet the rest of the residents rarely see him. Edward works. Lots. But they have six children to keep Vivian busy. Including a baby she had just adopted from poverty ridden Doncaster. Vivian is refreshingly honest and open about her previous occupation as a prostitute in L.A.

Pretty much a super sexy Pat Butcher, she even turned up to one of her kid’s fancy dress parties in former workwear. A nifty but flimsy white and blue number with thigh high black imitation leather boots which she mostly wears now to hoover.

Vivian keeps herself busy buying presents for the house, the children, her neighbours and Edward. Filling her days up with online shopping. Only ever online though. An apparent bad experience as a late teen in a retail environment scarring her for life. She couldn’t look at a cardigan in a shop window without flinching and quietly whispering “I don’t think we have anything for you…” Before bursting into tears.

Vivian’s best friend is the French Mademoiselle of the Avenue, Belle. Over the previous series viewers have been DELIGHTED in watching the friendship between the two women grow. Bonded together over a mutual fear of loneliness and neglect!!!

Of course, much of the humour of the show comes from Belle and her husband the Beast’s relationship with their enchanted house objects. Mrs.Potts the teapot still pretty pissed at him in particular for being turned back into a household amenity. (This was after the Beast was a knob to someone in the queue at Asda and it turned out to be that bloody sorceress woman AGAIN.)

So only after a few years of marriage they were cursed. AGAIN. Instead of a castle they got a Cul-de-sac and all the staff went back to their former things.

All over a triple pack of Dime bars.

We asked our viewers recently to vote on your favourite episode and you unanimously voted the ‘Calendar’ episode. Where we followed the Princes as they were photographed for their sexy Calendar shoot.

Particularly the moment where Cogsworth the clock, still slippery from the baby oil tried to comfort crying candlestick, Lumiere whilst he tried to remove the singed bits of pubic hair from his candle wax.

In fact the Beast, Eric and the rest of the ‘Lads’ have just come back from a string of PA’s in Cofu. Where (they don’t want to brag) but totally smashed all of the gigs. Ripped the roof off. In fact if there was a roof left on a building in Zante, they didn’t  want to know about it!

Belle misses the old Beast, her actual beast. who wasn’t vain and lazy. Who didn’t demand she get a ‘Hollywood’ wax. She’d liked hair. Hair was natural, free. She loved hair which is probably how the romance of the series blossomed. In the unlikely affair between Belle and neighbours ‘pet’ Chewy.

Or as she knows him Leornard Chewbacca the third, who has a first in law from the Naboo school of Economics and is a silent partner and brains behind Luke Skywalker’s multimillion pound business.

It was, quite literally only a matter of time before they and the enchanted objects were going to leave Happy Ever Avenue . She has already sized up a nice newly furnished apartment right in the centre of Emerald City. (Stay tuned for our ITV18’s spin off show ‘we can Wookie it out’.)

Oh yes I left out that quiet pair with the kid in the Avenue’s shabbiest two up two down. There isn’t anything to recap with them really.  Lol and Woody. Because in all honesty nothing dramtic ever happens to them. They are just extras really…

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