My son is six months old. He is a big lad. I’m not going to lie. When I take him to baby groups he’s a lot sturdier than the other babies. Doorman sturdy. I half expect to find him holding a clipboard, wearing an earpiece and ejecting other youngsters for puking or wrestling with Peppa Pig.… Continue reading Paper Weight
My son is five weeks old today. He is currently indulging in a rare nap so I sit writing this hastily. Hastily is my go to adjective these days. I do most things in hast…and on tiptoes. Things that I used to, in hindsight, spend an overindulgent amount of time doing. Things like eating or showering or y’know sleeping.… Continue reading The no longer pregnant comedian – Birth
I am forty weeks and three days pregnant. This is no longer a pregnancy. This is a hostage situation. A standoff. I am John McClane, my womb is the Nakatomi Plaza and this baby is Hans Gruber. I just hope that when my son does eventually exit this building, he does so in a far less… Continue reading The Pregnant Comedian – Overdue
I think I may be tired of waiting for this baby now. At about half eleven on Friday morning I burst into furious, frustrated tears in the waiting area of my hospital’s maternity outpatient unit. look I love the NHS deeply. Like kettle chips deeply. Like the way I love Emilio Estevez in The Mighty Ducks’… Continue reading The Pregnant Comedian – Waiting
Third trimester. I now longer know what my vagina looks like. Sorry, but we might as well get that out of the way first. It definitely existed at some point or else I wouldn’t be in this situation. It was there but now it’s not. My vagina is Pluto. This is because of my belly.… Continue reading The Pregnant Comedian – Third Trimester
The bump is getting big. I turned to my husband last night and said “This is it isn’t it? Surely I’ve reached peak bump?” His response was “Er no. It’s probably going to be twice the size of what it is now.” HOW? HOW IS THAT ACTUAL POSSIBLE SCIENCE? I’m already struggling to stand… Continue reading The Pregnant Comedian – Overshare
It’s a boy. An actual man is living in my body and I am not entirely sure how I feel about this. Okay, sure I’m delighted but…little boys smell like wagon wheel biscuits and soil. Absolutely EVERYTHING seems to stick to them. They come home from school with all but a car bumper attached to… Continue reading The Pregnant Comedian – Man
Last Monday, I crashed into my thirties. I didn’t as such crash as meander into them. I am the big 30. An age I have weirdly always associated with the characters of Friends. The early seasons. Where they all seemed to share the same waistcoat but not the same bed. An age I also… Continue reading The Pregnant Comedian- Crash course
I went to an Aqua class this morning. I’m a pregnant lady in her second trimester. That’s what I’m meant to start doing now. I’m meant to do aqua and garden and bake cakes. All whilst wearing my husband’s shirt rolled up at the sleeves and beaming with joy. I’m meant to be all… Continue reading The pregnant comedian – I just woke up like this
I’m having a baby. In six months time a human will emerge from my vagina on a wave of my insides. Plummeting onto planet earth like a resistant rider on a terrible theme park log flume. It was planned (aaaaaand it sorta wasn’t). This is what happened. We had pencilled in a ‘start trying’ time for January… Continue reading A Pregnant comedian – The First Trimester
